Whether you're dating to find a partner, a relationship that lasts six months, or a marriage that lasts fifty years, dating gives you more information to help you decide whether you want a relationship with this person at all.
Attraction says: I want this person.
A profile says: This person matches what I'm looking for.
Texting says: I feel like I know this person.
A first impression says: This is the kind of person they are.
Then we start filling in everything we don't know. That's where dating problems begin. The problem isn't that we have incomplete information. Incomplete information is why we date. We don't know the person yet. Dating gives us an opportunity to find out.
Instead of gathering more information, we often interpret signals, invent explanations, assume the other person knows what we mean, filter people before knowing them, confuse digital communication with connection, and try to eliminate uncertainty before we've spent enough time with the person to do so.
We make decisions from information we don't have, and sometimes try to make a decision that is larger than the information supports.
A first conversation doesn't have to tell you whether you want to date someone for a year. A first date doesn't have to tell you if you want to marry someone. It only needs to give you enough information to make the decision:
Do I want to know more?
Attraction Is a Starting Point, Not a Conclusion
You see someone across the room and find them attractive.
That's information. It tells you something about your reaction to that person.
It doesn't tell you whether they're kind, interesting, honest, available, compatible with you, looking for the same type of relationship, or if you'll still find them attractive after talking to them for twenty minutes.
Our minds are remarkably good at filling in those blanks. We can construct a surprisingly detailed picture of someone from almost nothing. That's why I encourage people who were interested in someone t talk to them, rather than stand across the room trying to figure everything out.
Maybe they're married.
Maybe they're single.
Maybe they're interested.
Maybe they're not.
Maybe you have nothing in common.
Maybe you start talking, and can't stop.
You can stand across the room, considering all of those possibilities, or you can introduce yourself and acquire information you didn't have before. The objective isn't to get their phone number.
It's to find out.
A Date Isn't a Relationship
Going on a date doesn't mean you've decided you want a relationship with someone. That's one of the things you're trying to determine.
A first date gives you information.
If, what you learn, the date makes you interested in knowing more, you go on another date.
You learn something else.
You see the person in different situations. You have different conversations. You meet their friends. You disagree about something. Plans go wrong. One of you has a bad day. The person you meet on the first date is gradually replaced by the person you come to know. Eventually you have enough information to make bigger decisions and conclusions:
Do I enjoy being with this person?
Do I trust them?
Do we want the same things?
How do we handle disagreements?
Are the differences between us important?
Do I want an exclusive relationship with this person?
Dating doesn't eliminate uncertainty. It gives us opportunities to reduce it.
Compatible for What?
People date for different reasons.
Within the category of what's considered “dating”, people aren't looking for the same thing. Someone looking for a relationship that lasts six months doesn't need the same information as someone looking for a marriage that lasts years.
If you want children, whether the other person wants children is important information. If you're looking for companionship without marriage or children, that might matter.
If you want an exclusive relationship, whether the other person wants exclusivity matters. If religion is central to family, or how you intend to raise your childreden, religious differences may matter.
We talk about compatibility as though it's a characteristic two people either possess or don't. It isn't that simple. You can't determine whether someone is a good match until you know what you're trying to match them to.
Problems are created when two people are dating each other, with different ideas about why they are dating.
We discussed this on The Dating Coach podcast. One person may think they're casually dating, while the other assumes they're exclusive. One person may consider sex part of a casual relationship, while the other interprets it as evidence that the relationship has become serious.
The solution is simple, Ask.
Are you dating other people?
Are you sleeping with other people?
What are you looking for?
Do you want this to become a relationship?
Those aren't questions you can answer by interpreting the other person's behavior.
Nothing Is Obvious
An idea came up when Wendi and I were hosting The Dating Coach. We discussed whether someone using a dating site should assume that the person they're seeing is also dating other people.
The argument was: isn't that obvious?
My response was, “Nothing's obvious.”
Two people enter a situation with different histories, experiences, and expectations about what is happening. Each might assume the other understands the situation the same way they do.
One person thinks: We're dating.
The other thinks: We're hanging out.
One thinks: We're becoming exclusive.
The other thinks: I'm dating several people.
One thinks: They haven't texted because they're busy.
The other thinks: I'm not interested anymore.
We don't experience the missing information as a blank. We fill it in. Then we react to the explanation we created as though the other person gave it to us.
Signals Aren't Communication
Dating is full of signals:
How long did they take to text back?
Did they touch my arm?
Why didn't they kiss me?
Why did they use that emoji?
Why did they say “maybe”?
Why haven't they asked me out again?
Did they seem distant tonight?
Some provide useful information. The problem comes when interpretation becomes a substitute for communication. If I don't know what you mean, I have two choices: I can ask you, or I can construct an explanation. People frequently choose the second.
That creates a problem:
I'm making a decision about you based, partly, on information I supplied myself.
The simplest solution, for example, is to ask: Are you dating other people?
What are you looking for?
How serious is our relationship becoming for you?
Replace assumptions with questions for more information. You may or may not like the answer. It will, at least, be an answer you didn't make up.
Some Information Has to Be Observed
Asking questions isn't the only way to gather information. You can ask someone whether they're considerate. They're unlikely to say yes. You can ask whether they're honest. Most will tell you they are. You can ask whether they're reliable. They may sincerely believe they are.
Dating gives you access to another kind of information.
You get to watch what they do.
Do they show up when they said they would?
Do their actions match their words?
Do they listen?
How do they react when something doesn't go their way? How do they treat people ? What happens when you disagree? What happens when they're tired, frustrated and disappointed? What happens when you say no?
A profile tells you how someone describes themselves.
Interaction lets you observe what they do. Some questions can be answered by asking. Others require observation.
Texting Gives Us Information—and Takes Some Away
Technology makes this problem interesting. Wendi described watching a relationship develop through texting. After some time the woman showed her a text message from the man she'd been dating. She thought the man had broken up with her.
The message was so ambiguous that other people reading it didn't agree about what he meant. Think about it. These two people had communicated extensively, yet they were not clear about something as fundamental as whether the relationship was ending.
A problem with texting is that it can produce a “false sense of intimacy.” You exchange messages throughout the day, reveal personal information, and have long conversations. It begins to feel as though you know the other person.
You may know more about them.
That doesn't mean you know them better.
Text removes information that's available when two people are together: tone, timing, facial expression, body language, spontaneous reactions and hundreds of little behaviors we observe without consciously thinking about it. The paradox is that more communication doesn't mean more connection.
Online Dating Changes When We Make a Decision
Dating profiles introduce a problem. They allow us to know things about people before meeting them. That sounds like an advantage. It also changes the order in which we encounter information.
Suppose a Christian meets a Jewish person at a party. They talk. They laugh. There's attraction. They discover shared interests. They enjoy being together. Then they discover that they practice different religions. Now they have a question: Does this difference matter, such that we shouldn't pursue a relationship?
Put the same two people on a dating site with religion selected as a filter and they might never meet.
The decision happens before the information that might have changed the decision becomes available.
That's a different process than traditional dating. Online dating encourages us to create specifications for another human being: Age. Height. Education. Religion. Politics. Occupation. Income. Interests. Lifestyle.
Then we filter.
The assumption is that better specifications produce better matches.
That's not the best model.
Are We Filtering for Things That Matter?
Suppose running is important to you, and you decide your partner should also be a runner. That sounds reasonable. What happens if you meet another runner, fall in love, build a relationship, and five years later, you or they stop running?
Was running a requirement for compatibility? Or was it something you happened to value when you created the list?
People change. You change. The person you're dating changes. I'm not the same person I was the year before.
Which differences predict whether two people will work together?
You may discover that someone who appears perfect on paper doesn't work at all for you. You may discover that someone else may violate half your supposed requirements and yet become the person you most enjoy being around.
You can't learn that from a checklist.
You have to interact with the person.
A Profile Is a Model of a Person
The problem with profiles is they aren't people. They're representations of people.
People choose photographs, describe their interests, and decide which accomplishments to mention. They select the characteristics they think others will find appealing. Occasionally they portray themselves as the person they think someone else would want.
We joked about this on the podcast. You see an attractive woman whose profile says she likes skiing, wine, and art galleries. You want to meet her. Suddenly you're a wine connoisseur who loves galleries, even though you'd rather be drinking a beer in a bar.
That might get you the date.
It defeats the purpose.
Instead of allowing the other person to gather real information about you, you're deliberately giving them information designed to produce the decision you want - for them to like you.
Eventually things get real, and reality gets a vote.
Know Who You Are, Before You Try to Be What They Want
There's a source of bad information in dating. It's not intentionally deceiving. You can change yourself in response to the person you're trying to attract.
You like animals? I love animals.
You love football? Me too.
You want to travel constantly? I've always wanted that.
This doesn't require lying. We can focus on being liked so much that we start adapting ourselves to the person sitting across from us.
When getting yourself ready to jump into the world of dating, my advice isn't about what to wear or what to say. My advice is:
Know who you are.
What are you doing with your life?
What matters to you?
What do you enjoy?
What do you want?
What don't you want?
You don't need to have the perfect answers to these questions before you're allowed to date. You just need to give the other person an opportunity to meet you, rather than the person you're tyring to become in an attempt to make them like you. Otherwise both are gathering information about someone who doesn't exist.
Don't Try to Impress—Reveal
The objective of a date isn't to impress someone. It's to reveal enough of yourself that they can decide whether they're interested in knowing more.
This has a reciprocal:
Your objective isn't to be impressed by someone. It's to learn enough about them to decide whether you're interested in knowing more about them.
If You Manipulate the Experiment, You Corrupt the Results
I conducted an accidental experiment that demonstrated this problem. I created an honest online dating profile. It wasn't getting responses. So I tried something different.
I created a fictitious profile, designed around characteristics I thought the person I wanted to date would find attractive. The man in the profile was attractive, professional, successful, spiritual, caring, honest, a good communicator, adventurous, earned $200,000 a year, and wanted children. (Actually the profile itself wasn't too far off. I just embelished and used a few key words to make myself sound larger than my otherwise shy, humble, and introverted self might have.)
Women responded.
The experiment worked.
Except it hadn't.
I immediately recognized the problem.
Suppose I met one of those women and really liked her. She hadn't chosen me. She had chosen the person I described. I had generated the response I wanted, while destroying the usefulness of the information the responses provided.
Some of the commonly recommended, cliche dating adive strategies create the same problem:
Pretend not to be interested.
Wait a certain number of days before calling.
Don't appear too available.
Say this. Don't say that.
Pretend to like something because the other person likes it.
Project confidence (you don't have.)
A strategy may work. The person may become more interested. What have you learned? You've learned how that person responds to the version of yourself you manufactured. That isn't the information, the type of feedback, you need. It's not useful.
I'm critical of dating systems built around tricks. A relationship built around manufactured behavior eventually encounters the actual people involved.
If the purpose of dating is to discover if two actual people work together, manipulating information you give the other person corrupts the information and feedback you get back.
Chemistry Answers a Smaller Question
Chemistry matters. Attraction matters. Sparks matter. The mistake is asking chemistry to answer a question it can't.
Imagine meeting someone at a speed-dating event.
You have seven or ten minutes to talk to each other.
There's immediate chemistry.
What have you learned?
Probably enough to answer: Do I want to spend more time with this person?
That's useful.
You haven't learned: Would I want to spend the next thirty years with this person?
You don't need to.
The process of speed dating comes down to a smaller decision. After a brief interaction, did you like the person enough, feel enough attraction or chemistry, to want another interaction?
Chemistry doesn't need to establish compatibility. It can provide enough information to justify gathering more.
Different information answers different questions:
Attraction answers an attraction question.
A profile answers some factual questions.
A conversation answers others.
Behavior answers others.
Time answers still more.
Problems arise when we ask one type of information to answer a question it can't answer.
Don't Ask a First Date to Answer a Fifty-Year Question
At a live event, a woman asked us about something she was experiencing while dating. When she met someone in a dating context, she felt enormous pressure. She described it as “all or nothing.” She wanted a family. That goal affected how she approached the people she was meeting.
There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want. If you want children, that matters. If marriage matters to you, that matters. If you're dating with a particular goal, hiding it doesn't make sense.
The problem is asking a question that requires more information.
A first date doesn't have to answer: Could I spend fifty years with this person?
It can answer: Would I like to see this person again?
When every first date becomes an audition for marriage, we're demanding a level of certainty that the available information cannot provide. Pressure can work in either direction.
We can overlook information because we desperately want the answer to be yes.
We can eliminate someone because we can't yet establish that the answer is yes.
Both attempt to reach a conclusion too soon.
A better progression is:
Do I want to talk to this person?
Do I want to go on a date?
Do I want a second date?
Do I trust them?
Do I want a relationship?
Do I want to build a life with this person?
The amount of information available increases as the size of the decision increases. Don't demand a fifty-year answer from ninety minutes of information.
Some Information Takes Time
There's a limitation we can't solve by asking better questions:
Some information isn't yet available.
A person can tell you how they handle conflict. Eventually you'll have a conflict. They might tell you they're dependable. Eventually something will happen when you need to depend on them.
They can tell you how they behave under stress. Eventually life will provide the stress. They can tell you they're supportive. Eventually you'll do something they don't understand or agree with.
They can tell you they're financially responsible. Eventually you'll see how they handle money. They can tell you they're flexible. Eventually plans fall apart.
Life will provide plenty of ways to test people. Some information won't be avaliable until a situation or condition happens.
Some information requires repetition. Someone showing up late once tells you they were late once. Someone showing up late repeatedly tells you something different.
One disagreement isn't a pattern.
Neither is one wonderful weekend.
Three great dates are evidence of three great dates - not evidence of a great marriage.
First Impressions Are Information
None of this means we should ignore first impressions, attraction, profiles, text messages, and intuition. They're all information. The mistake is treating one or a few pieces of information as though it's the entire answer.
Attraction matters. So does chemistry. So does what someone writes in a profile. So does how they communicate through text. So does the feeling you get when you first meet.
The question is what each observation tells you.
If I'm attracted to someone, I know I'm attracted to them. That's different from knowing you're compatible.
If someone sends me an affectionate text, I know they sent me an affectionate text. That's different from knowing what kind of relationship they want.
If someone's profile matches everything on my list, I know their profile matches my list. That's different from knowing I'll enjoy spending Saturday afternoon with them.
If someone does something that bothers me on a first date, I know that behavior bothered me. I don't know why they did it, whether it's typical, or if they'll do it again.
We get into trouble when we turn observations into conclusions, without noticing the steps between them.
You're Gathering Information About Yourself Too
There's another person you're learning about while dating.
You.
In one of our conversations, guest therapist Annie made an interesting point, while discussing people who repeatedly became involved in relationships they knew were problematic. Instead of focusing exclusively on the other person's motives, she suggested looking at your own.
Why am I getting involved with this person, despite a red flag?
Have I done this before?
Is there a pattern?
I think these types of questions extend beyond problematic relationships. Dating gives us information about ourselves that we couldn't obtain by sitting alone and making a list of what we want.
Who am I repeatedly attracted to?
What behavior do I excuse when I'm strongly attracted to someone?
What makes me jealous?
What makes me feel secure?
Which differences bother me?
What do I need from another person that I didn't realize I needed?
What am I unwilling to tolerate?
What do I think I want, that repeatedly turns out not to make me happy?
Sometimes information that changes our next dating decision isn't something we discovered about the person we are daring - it's something we discovered about ourselves.
A bad date can provide useful information.
So can a failed relationship.
Instead of asking, What was wrong with that person, a more useful question is, What did that relationship teach me that I didn't know before?
Don't Bring Your Previous Relationship on the Date
Is the person you're meeting available to participate in something new?
Are you?
A question worth asking yourself is, Am I available for what I'm saying I want? You can be physically sitting across from someone new, while mentally remaining in your previous relationship.
If most of the conversation on a date keeps returning to your ex: what they did, how they hurt you, why the relationship failed—that's information. It may tell the person across from you something you haven't yet recognized yourself: You're still processing the relationship you supposedly left behind. That's better than a rule that says, “never mention an ex.”
Taking a Break From Dating Is a Decision
Sometimes what you learn is, you don't want to date right now.
You don't have to move immediately from one relationship to the next. Taking time to understand what happened, what you want differently, or simply who you are outside a relationship may produce more useful information than another ten first dates.
Dating Should Create Questions, Not Just Answers
One of the biggest mistakes in dating is approaching each encounter as a test.
Does this person qualify?
That mindset encourages us to evaluate constantly. There's another way to approach it:
What don't I know yet?
You thought political differences would make a relationship impossible. Do they?
You assumed the quiet person across the table wasn't interested. Are they shy?
You thought having the same hobbies was important. Is it?
You interpreted a text as dismissive. What did the person mean?
You assumed someone wasn't your “type.” What happens when you spend two hours talking to them?
You thought something was a red flag. Is it?
The date itself is a way of testing assumptions. Occasionally what we learn isn't what we expected or thought we knew. Something we thought was important may turn out not to matter. Something we barely considered, may turn out to matter enormously. The person who seemed perfect isn't, or the person we nearly filtered out of consideration, surprises us.
That's all useful information.
You Will Never Have Complete Information
There's a final problem with thinking about dating as gathering information: You might interpret it to mean eventually you'll know enough to eliminate uncertainty.
You won't.
You can date someone for years and still discover things about them.
People change.
Circumstances change.
You change.
A person you've known for ten years may respond to a situation neither of you has encountered before.
The process isn't:
Incomplete information → complete information → decision
It's closer to:
Limited information → interaction → more information → next decision → more interaction → more information → larger decision
You don't need to know whether you should marry someone, to decide whether you should have coffee with them.
You don't need to know whether you'll still love someone in twenty years, to decide whether you want a second date.
You don't need complete certainty about a relationship, to decide whether you want to become exclusive.
Every decision is made with incomplete information. The question is whether the information you have is sufficient for the decision you're making now.
That leads to the most important take away in all of this:
Every dating decision is made with incomplete information. The mistake is making a bigger decision than the information you have supports.
Putting This Into Practice
If dating is about discovering what you don't know, what does dating look like?
A lot of what Wendi and I discussed on The Dating Coach was practical: how to meet someone, how to approach them, how to ask them out, where to go, what makes a useful first date, and situations where approaching someone isn't appropriate.
Looking back, the suggestions fit the same principle:
Create opportunities to get information, without putting unnecessary pressure on either person.
Don't Look at Everyone as a Potential Date
Go through life meeting people, rather than constantly evaluating people as potential partners.
That gives you more opportunities to know people. There's a difference between being open to meeting people, and treating every person you meet as a dating prospect. If every conversation has an objective attached to it, the interaction changes. Talk to people because people are interesting.
Some become acquaintances.
Some become friends.
Some go nowhere.
Occasionally you meet someone you want to know differently. You don't have to decide which category someone belongs in before you've spoken to them.
Practice Talking to People You're Not Trying to Date
If walking up to someone you're attracted to feels terrifying, don't begin with people you're attracted to. Practice talking to people. Everybody:
The person standing next to you in line.
The older couple at the coffee shop.
Someone at an event.
The person sitting next to you on an airplane.
I admit that becoming comfortable approaching strangers didn't happen overnight for me.
My advice is simple:
Talk to everybody.
Social interaction is a skill. If the only time you practice it is when you're standing in front of someone you're attracted to, you've selected the highest-pressure situation possible for practice.
Don't Ask Someone Out, Before You've Met Them
One of the first ideas we discussed on the podcast was something I called, the three-second rule. It may sound as you're supposed to see someone you're attracted to and ask them out within three seconds. That wasn't the idea.
The three seconds were about deciding: I should go and talk to that person.
If you see someone you're interested in, start walking toward them and introduce yourself before you spend ten minutes imagining who they are, whether they're interested, what you should say, or all the reasons they might reject you. Neither of you knows yet whether you're interested in the other person. The point is to begin the interaction and find out.
I specifically clarified this as follows:
The three-second rule isn't about asking for a date - It's about introducing yourself.
You may talk for two minutes and discover they're married.
You may discover you don't like them.
They may discover they don't particularly like you.
You may start talking, and both of you want the conversation to continue.
That's what you're trying to learn.
The objective shouldn't be: How do I get this person's phone number?
It should be: Do I want to know more about this person, and do they seem interested in knowing more about me? If the answer appears to be yes, asking them out is the next, natural next step, rather than the objective of the interaction.
How Do You Ask Someone Out?
It doesn't need to be complicated. Elaborate dating plans can create pressure before either person knows whether they enjoy spending time together. Keeping early dates casual, and incorporate the other person into something you enjoy doing anyway.
Coffee. Lunch. An art gallery.
Bowling. Dancing. A band you wanted to see.
Something happening around town.
Instead of searching the internet for, “the perfect first date,” ask yourself:
What would I enjoy doing anyway?
Then invite the other person to join you.
Wendi mentioned bowling because she enjoys bowling. I pointed out that she didn't have to search for a clever date idea - she was bringing the other person into something she genuinely already enjoyed doing.
That gives you information.
If I love wandering through art galleries, and you find them boring, I'd rather learn that, than to select an activity that neither of us normally does, just because standard dating advice suggested it as a “good first date" idea.
You can simply say: I'm going to this gallery Saturday afternoon. Would you like to come with me?
Or: I'd like to get coffee with you. Are you free Saturday?
There's a point that's important:
Make it clear that it's a date.
If you're romantically interested in someone, don't create an information problem by inviting them somewhere in a way that leaves both of you wondering if it's a date, business meeting, or two friends getting coffee. We discussed that confusion in one of our bad-date conversations. You don't need to make it dramatic. Just make it clear that both people understand - it's a date!
Where Should You Go on a First Date?
Wendi and I disagreed here. I liked the idea of incorporating someone quickly into what I normally do in my life. Wendi was adamant that a first meeting should be on neutral territory, especially when two people don't know each other. Her safety argument is important. Consideri it for a first meeting.
Coffee shops, restaurants, galleries, bowling, dancing - public events and places that allow two people to interact, without either being isolated or dependant. A public location is safer for a first meeting.
There's a reason I like short, casual first dates. They match the size of the date to the decision you're trying to make. Remember the question: Do I want to know more? You don't need a four-hour dinner to answer it.
Wendi suggests lunch as a first date, as it's public and has a shorter time frame. If you're having a wonderful time, you can see each other again. If you're not, neither is trapped in three more hours of activities.
That connects to the larger principle: Don't demand more from an interaction on a date than the decision requires.
Choose a Date That Lets You Learn Something
This changed how to think about the traditional movie date. A movie isn't a bad date. For someone who is introverted or nervous about making conversation, sitting together through a movie takes pressure away and gives you something to discuss afterward. Yet if the purpose of a first date is to learn more about another person, another activity, one that allows interaction, will give you more information, - not watching a movie together.
Coffee lets you talk.
Walking through a gallery gives you things to react to together.
Bowling lets you interact.
Dancing tells you something.
Lunch gives you conversation, without committing to an entire evening.
The question isn't: What's the best first date?
It's: What kind of interaction will allow us to comfortably get to know each other?
That answer will be different for different people.
A First Date Shouldn't Be a Résumé Exchange
Don't interview each other. It's tempting to turn the date into an interview:
Where did you grow up?
Where did you go to school?
What do you do?
Have you ever been married?
Do you have children?
Some of those questions matter. You don't need to collect someone's complete biography over coffee. Talk about what's happening in your life now.
What did you do last weekend?
What are you working on?
What are you excited about?
Where are you going next week?
Those conversations show the other person something about how you actually live.
Times Not to Ask
The fact that you're attracted to someone doesn't mean every setting is appropriate for acting on it.
Work is an obvious example. The recurring concern is legitimate: company policies, professional consequences, having to continue working together if things go badly, and the added complication when one person is a customer.
There's a difference between talking to someone, and putting someone in a position where they have to respond to your romantic interest. Someone who is working may be required to be friendly to you.
A bartender talks to you.
A salesperson smiles at you.
A server laughs at your joke.
A coworker collaborates with you.
Those interactions don't tell you what the same behavior would tell you in another environment. The context changes the meaning of the information.
That's relevant to the premise of this article. If someone can't easily leave the interaction, or their job requires them to interact pleasantly with you, you have less reliable information about whether the interest is mutual.
Don't force the question there.
There will be other opportunities.
The First Date Isn't Supposed to Prove Anything
You don't need to impress someone enough to make them want a relationship with you.
You don't need to conduct an interview to determine whether they satisfy every requirement.
You don't need to manufacture the perfect romantic evening.
You don't need to decide whether they're “the one.”
You don't need to convince them that you're the one.
Meet.
Talk.
Do something you enjoy.
Be clear about why you're meeting. (It's a date!)
Give the other person room to say yes or no.
Pay attention.
Ask questions.
Let them see who you are.
See who they actually are.
Then make one decision: Do I want to know more?
If the answer is yes, go on another date.
And discover something else about them.
Don't Fill in the Blank. Find Out.
If you're dating to find a partner, uncertainty isn't evidence that something has gone wrong. It's where you begin. You don't know this person. That's why you're dating them.
The problem begins when we become uncomfortable with what we don't know, and replace the missing information with something of our own.
We interpret. We project. We assume. We filter. We construct explanations. We mistake communication for connection. We decide what the other person is thinking, without asking them. We mistake attraction for compatibility. We mistake profiles for people. We mistake chemistry for evidence of a future. We demand answers, before enough information exists to answer the question.
Then we make decisions, based partly on information we created ourselves.
There is a simpler approach.
If you don't know, don't fill in the blank. Find out.
Talk to the person.
Ask the question.
Spend time together.
Pay attention to what they say. Pay attention to what they do. Notice whether the two match.
Put yourself in situations where you can get to know each other. Question your assumptions about them. Question your assumptions about what you think you need to know. Keep gathering information, until you know enough to make the next decision.
Not every decision.
The next one.
If you're looking for a partner, that's what dating is for.
What If They Don't Call Back?
There's one situation where “don't fill in the blank—find out” doesn't work.
You went on the date.
You thought it went well.
You'd like to see the person again.
They don't call.
Or you call or text them and they don't respond.
Now what?
This is the kind of uncertainty that causes us to start filling in blanks.
Did I say something wrong?
Was I not attractive enough?
Did I talk too much?
Did I not talk enough?
Did they meet someone else?
Did I text too soon?
Should I have kissed them?
Maybe they're just busy.
Maybe they're waiting for me to contact them again.
You can create a hundred explanations. You don't know which, if any, is true. Maybe they weren't attracted to you. Maybe they met someone else. Maybe they decided you're incompatible. Maybe something happened in their life. Maybe they enjoyed the date and don't want another.
Unless they tell you, you don't know.
This is one of those times when you may have to leave the blank, blank. Today this is called, ghosting.
Rejection Is Information
If you want another date, there's nothing wrong with making that clear.
Call.
Send a message.
Say you enjoyed yourself, and would like to see them again.
You don't need a strategy about how many hours or days you're supposed to wait. You're trying to obtain information.
If they say yes, you have your answer.
If they say no, you have your answer.
If they don't answer, that's information.
It doesn't tell you why they aren't interested.
It tells you something more useful:
They aren't participating in moving the relationship forward.
That's the information you need to make your next decision.
Don't Turn Their Decision Into a Judgment About You
This is a place where we turn limited information into a larger conclusion. They didn't want a second date. Therefore:
I'm unattractive.
I'm boring.
I'm bad at dating.
There's something wrong with me.
None of these conclusions follows from the information available.
What do you know?
This particular person didn't choose to continue dating you.
That's all.
You don't need everyone to want a second date with you. If dating is doing what it's supposed to do, many first dates shouldn't lead to second dates. You're trying to discover whether two people want a relationship with each other.Sometimes the answer is no.
That's not a failure of the process.
That's the process producing an answer.
You Don't Have to Feel Good About It
Understanding that doesn't mean rejection feels good.
You liked the person. You were excited. You imagined possibilities. You were disappointed. Maybe your feelings were hurt. Maybe you feel embarrassed.
That's different from constructing an explanation. You can feel disappointed without deciding, They rejected me because I'm not attractive enough.
You can feel hurt without deciding, I'll never find anyone.
You can wish they had called without deciding, They must be playing games.
There's a difference between what happened, how I feel about it, and the explanation I create for why it happened. The first two are known. The third requires evidence.
Don't Try to Talk Someone Into Wanting You
If someone tells you they're not interested, you've received the information you were looking for. You don't need to challenge their conclusion. You don't need to explain why you'd be great together. You don't need to prove they misunderstood you. You don't need to convince them to give you another chance.
Remember what dating is supposed to accomplish. You're trying to determine whether you want a relationship with this person, and if this person wants a relationship with you.
Their answer matters as much as yours.
If yours is yes, and theirs is no, you have your answer.
Sometimes the Blank Stays Blank
When you can't find out, don't fill in the blank anyway. You don't always get to know why someone made the decision they made. You only need enough information to make yours.
If someone doesn't call you back, doesn't respond after you've made your interest clear, or tells you they don't want another date, you have enough information for the next decision.
Move on.
Not because you know why.
You don't need to know why.
Wrapping Up
Getting to know someone isn't the same as collecting information about them. You're not trying to accumulate facts until an algorithm says, compatible.
You're interacting with another person. The interaction produces information that a profile, checklist, questionnaire, text conversation, or list of requirements cannot.
Dating isn't about knowing everything about someone.
It's about spending enough real time together, to discover whether the two of you want to keep spending time together.
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Editor’s Note
This article is based on conversations from The Dating Coach, a podcast I co-hosted with professional dating coach Wendi Schuller. The ideas and examples discussed here originated from conversations we had on the show. This article is my interpretation of those conversations, reorganized and expanded around the ideas I wanted to explore. The structure, conclusions, emphasis, and commentary are my own and should not be taken as representing Wendi’s views. Any errors or interpretations should be attributed to me, not to Wendi Schuller.
About Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller, Dating Coach, on LinkedIn :
https://www.linkedin.com/in/wendi-schuller-b39b5a190/
About the Dating Coach Podcast
Daniel Stih and Wendi Schuller give advice on love and dating. Candid, real, and packed with a touch of humor, this podcast blends practical advice with relatable stories. Conversations about relationships, attraction, and personal growth. On Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4rdnAcmO3vp8w6tq48s3Fc
About the Author
Daniel Stih (danielstih.com) is an aerospace engineer, software engineer, indoor environmental consultant, and author of 12 books, including How to Get a Date Tonight (under the pseudonym Daniel Isle Sky) For more 30 years, he has investigated complex problems spanning engineering, technology, and human decision-making. His work explores how evidence, assumptions, and systems shape conclusions, and whether we're solving the right problem. Learn more about his approach in Why I Think This Way.