Stop comparing yourself to others, learn from failure, and start doing what matters to you.
We talk about self-esteem as though it's something we need to acquire, before we can start doing the things we want to do.
Once I feel better about myself, I'll apply for the job.
Once I'm more confident, I'll start the business.
Once I stop worrying about what people think, I'll put myself out there.
Once I believe in myself, I'll try.
What if we have that backwards? What if better self-esteem doesn't come before taking action? Taking action is how we develop self-esteem.
I explored this with Dame Clarissa Burt, author of The Self-Esteem Regime. Clarissa has been a model, actress, television personality, producer, director, entrepreneur and author. She didn't describe self-esteem as something that came with success. Her message throughout our conversation was more practical: You have to do the work.
That sounds simple.
It isn't.
The Problem
Clarissa's interest in self-esteem began before she became successful. Growing up, she watched her mother and grandmother struggle with how they saw themselves. She remembers them as beautiful women, yet their own perceptions were different. Her mother didn't like having her picture taken and worried about her weight. Her grandmother believed she needed to lose weight despite, appearing thin.
As a child, Clarissa began noticing the disconnect between who she thought these women were, and how they perceived themselves.
If self-esteem is a reflection of our objective qualities, people who are attractive would feel attractive. Successful people would feel successful. Accomplished people would feel accomplished.
We know that's not true.
Clarissa became a successful model. She also described struggling at different points in her life with negative self-talk, lack of confidence and body image.
The mistake is to believe:
If I can just become enough, then I'll feel like I am enough.
That sends us on a long chase.
Comparison Sends You Down the Wrong Path
Clarissa pointed to social media and the constant opportunity it gives us to compare ourselves with other people. Her alternative was to compare yourself with who you were yesterday. Comparison can cause a bigger problem than making us feel inadequate:
It can change what we do.
I've done this before. At one point, my brother mentioned neighbors who were doing extremely well financially as programmers.
I immediately started comparing.
I'm an engineer. I'm smart. I can program.
Maybe I should be doing that.
So I started learning Python, changed my LinkedIn profile to emphasize programming and deemphasize other parts of myself. And it worked. I began getting interest for engineering positions paying around $300,000.
There was one problem.
I didn't want to do it.
I had already lived a version of that life. I knew where that path went for me. Another person's success had temporarily convinced me that I should pursue it too. That's when comparison becomes more than an emotional problem.
It can become a directional problem.
Instead of asking useful questions such as, "What do I want to do?"
we start asking non-productive ones such as, "How do I get what they have?"
Before comparing yourself with someone else, ask what you're actually comparing between them and you. Is it
money? Appearance? Job title? Followers? House? Career?
Then ask the important question: Do I actually want what I'm comparing myself against? You may discover you're making yourself feel inadequate for not winning a game you never wanted to play.
Stop Pretending You Know What Other People Think
Comparison isn't the only way we undermine ourselves. Sometimes we don't even need another person to criticize us. We'll do it for them.
Take the example of someone feeling self-conscious about their weight.
They walk outside.
The neighbor looks at them, and doesn't say anything.
Immediately, they think, "They think I look fat."
What actually happened? The neighbor looked at you. Everything after that may be a story you supplied. Maybe they liked your jeans. Maybe they're wondering where you bought them. Maybe they're distracted by an argument they had that morning. Maybe they aren't thinking about you at all.
You don't know.
This gives us something practical to do.
When you feel judged, separate these two things:
What actually happened?
What am I assuming it means?
Don't try to convince yourself that everyone loves you. You don't know that, either. Just stop treating something you imagined as though it were evidence.
Failure Is Something You Did, Not Something You Are
Clarissa described failure as a “first attempt in learning.” Her point was that if you don't try, you can't discover what works and what doesn't.
I know this well from climbing. I've attempted first ascents where I failed repeatedly. The tenth attempt wasn't really the same as the first. One failure taught me that a particular route didn't work. Another taught me where I could find water. Another showed me that the season was wrong. Another revealed a better approach. Eventually, I reached the top.
Someone looking only at the successful climb sees the result. I see the failed attempts that produced the information necessary to get there. That's a different relationship with failure.
Instead of: I failed, therefore I'm not good enough.
Try: I failed. What do I know now, that I didn't know before?
Don't Wait Until You Feel Confident
Self-esteem and action are closely connected. People postpone doing something until they feel ready.
Suppose you want to write a book but don't believe you're a writer. You could spend the next year trying to convince yourself: I'm a writer. I'm a writer. I'm a writer.
Or you could write.
Now you have evidence: You wrote something. Maybe it isn't very good. Rewrite it. Now you have more evidence. You discovered that you can make something better.
The same principle can apply elsewhere.Want to become more comfortable talking to people? Talk to someone.
Want to know whether you could start a business? Try selling something.
Want to become a musician? Play.
Want to change careers? Take one step toward the new one.
Action doesn't guarantee success. Action gives you something that positive thinking alone cannot: evidence about what you can do.
An assumption I'm making here is that repeated action can contribute to self-esteem, by giving us experiences from which confidence and self-trust develops. Clarissa doesn't state that relationship in our conversation. What she does say repeatedly is that change requires doing the work.
Do Something That Belongs to You
It needs to be your action.
Clarissa and I talked about doing what you want to do, rather than allowing other people to determine your direction. I summarized her approach as to suggest not worrying about what other people think, doing what you want to do, making it happen, and following what calls you. Her response, “That's right.”
That doesn't mean every impulse is wise or that wanting something guarantees you'll succeed. It means you should know whose goal you're pursuing. There's little value in becoming successful at creating a life you don't want.
My Python experience is an example. I could have pursued that opportunity. I'm certain I would have succeeded. Success wouldn't have solved the real problem though, as I had allowed a comparison to define my objective. Sometimes improving self-esteem requires accomplishing something. Other times it may require giving yourself permission to stop pursuing something you never really wanted.
Build Tools Before You Need Them
Taking action doesn't mean life stops hurting. Clarissa used the image of a tree in a storm. There will be storms: death, separation, betrayal, rejection, job loss and other things we can't necessarily control. The goal isn't to make the storms disappear. It's to develop enough tools that they don't uproot us. A strong tree may lose a leaf. It may lose a branch. It's roots hold.
One of those tools is people. Have a support system. It doesn't need to be enormous. If you have five people you genuinely trust, and can call when life goes wrong, that's valuable. Don't just think, I need more support. Take action.
Call someone.
Join something.
Meet someone.
When you're doing well, be that person for somebody else.
What You Can Do Today
If you finish reading and don't do anything differently, not much will change. Pick one and do it today:
1. Catch one comparison.
When you notice yourself comparing your life with someone else's, ask: Do I actually want what they have, or have I decided that having it means they're more successful than I am?
2. Turn one failure into information.
Take something that didn't work and answer: What do I know now, that I didn't know before I tried? Decide what you'll change on the next attempt.
3. Keep evidence about yourself.
Clarissa recommends mirror work: speaking positively to yourself, while looking in the mirror. Try it for 21 days, even if you only do it for a minute each day.
4. Separate observation from interpretation.
Write down something that bothered you. Write what actually happened. On the next line, write what you concluded it meant. See whether the first establishes the second.
I keep notes by my mirror reminding me of my mission, skills, and things I know about myself. Whatever method you choose, don't make it a fantasy. Give yourself evidence.
5. Contact one person.
Don't wait until you're in a crisis, to discover you could use a support system. Identify someone you trust and strengthen that relationship today.
6. Do one thing you've been waiting to feel confident enough to do. Make it small. Don't make today's objective succeeding. Make today's objective doing it.
7. Before pursuing the next goal, ask: Is this something I actually want, or something I've learned I'm supposed to want? That question along might save you years.
Do the Work
Clarissa's advice is straightforward: “Go out and do the work." Make your plans, then do them.
What do you want to do?
What do you want to become?”
How are you going to get there?”
Working on yourself every day, even if it's only a little. We can spend years trying to think our way into feeling better about ourselves. Thinking is necessary. Understanding where our beliefs came from helps us see why we respond the way we do. Eventually we have to do something.
Stop one comparison.
Question one assumption.
Learn from one failure.
Call one person.
Take one risk.
Pursue one thing because you want to pursue it.
Don't wait until you have better self-esteem to start living differently.
Living differently is how you get there.
Listen or Watch
Apple Podcasts • YouTube • Spotify
Learn More About Dame Clarissa Burt
Website: https://clarissaburt.com
LinkedIn https://linkedin.com/in/clarissaburt
The Self-Esteem Regime: An Action Plan for Becoming the Confident Person You Were Meant to Be, on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/153815269X
Editor's Note
This article is based on my podcast conversation with Dame Clarissa Burt. The ideas discussed here originated in that conversation, while the structure, emphasis, and commentary are my own. Any errors or interpretations are mine, not Dame Clarissa Burt's.
About the Author
Daniel Stih (danielstih.com) is an aerospace engineer, software engineer, indoor environmental consultant, and author of 12 books. For more than 30 years, he has investigated complex problems spanning engineering, technology, the built environment, and human decision-making. His work explores how evidence, assumptions, and systems shape the conclusions we draw—and whether we're solving the right problem. Learn more about his approach in Why I Think This Way.